Everyone knows the pattern of certain tartans. Auld Angus McScruttocks on the left is currently modeling the Stewart tartan -- you might recognize this one.

Click a button to have Angus model one of his less attractive kilts you may not have witnessed before, courtesy of his Granny McScruttocks (right).

The Scottish kilt's origins come from its Roman heritage (the toga), which was largely inherited from the Greeks. One might note that all of these nations are known for their heavy imbibing, so it's not entirely clear when some sodden ponce got the idea to wrap themselves in 8 yards of cross-woven fabric and run about knickerless.

Legend has it that one Lord McKnackard played a trick on an unconscious friend (read: DRUNK OFF HIS ARSE) and dressed him up in one of the silly getups so that he'd wonder where he'd been when he awakened. Instead, Lord McKnackard discovered to his utter surprise that his friend was in fact dead. "Och, ah've goan an' kilt 'im!" said he, and thus was born the "kilt."

The kilt was not quick to catch on. It took several more years of practical jokes before the entire pissed nation of Scotland thought it was a fantastic idea, and the national pastime of mooning the English only really took off after its adoption. Scottish families came to be known by their kilt patterns. Some descendants no doubt regret their predecessors' taste.

The English finally had enough of watching Scots run about in skirts and soundly beat the snot out of them at Culloden, subsequently banning the ill-fated garment. After the ban was lifted some 40 years later, Tartan Fever shook the country to its roots. While Queen Victoria never wore a kilt, she did have quite fashionable tartan knickers. Today, the tartan remains popular, especially with sofas and Ren Faire geeks.

It took about a year for a Scot's sheep to grow the wool used for making his kilt. Plaid sheep were bred for the purpose.

The expression "A man in his kilt is a man and a half" was coined when drunk Lord MacKnackard peered up at his mate from his customary position on the floor. He also coined the phrase "Bollocks!"